CHAPTER TWO : Stepping into the world.

My mother worked very hard to give me proper care. She put me under the care of a babysitter who charges $500 per month. This fees excluded the clothes and many other stuffs that she bought me. She would keep the receipts and claim them from my mum aftermath. Day in and out, I would be over at my babysitter’s house when everyone was working. Grandpa worked really hard, he never took medical leaves or any other leaves even when he was unwell. My grandmother on the other hand, had a dark secret that she kept from my mother. She started borrowing from loansharks in her mid-forties. She took up illegal betting and became a bookie for lottery. Due to some mistakes, she had to resort to borrowing from loansharks to pay the people who won money from her. When she was unable to pay one loanshark, she would borrow from another. Eventually, her debt would snowball to one lump sum that was unimaginable.

My grandmother was by nature a really pleasant person. She came from a rich family but was looked down & forsaken by them for choosing to marry my grandfather, a poor bloke. She was upset when she could not find ways to settle her debts and was feeling depressed. She threatened to commit suicide if there was no way for her to pay all her debts. My mother was heartbroken and helpless. She had to think of a way to help Grandma and as it was not a meagre sum, she resorted to borrowing from a very rich old man who frequented the pub that she worked in. She borrowed 11 thousand dollars from him and paid the loansharks with that money. She advised my grandmother never to repeat the same mistakes again.

My family members were all very problematic. My mother’s older brother, Douglaz, got married at the age of 21. He made a girl pregnant and at the tender ago of 22, he was already a father. He was not ready to be committed to marriage and behind his wife’s back, he had flings with other woman. Consequently, their marriage ended up in divorce. My cousin, Debbie, became the second in my family to experience a broken family. It was the same for my mother’s younger brother. Dunkan, he was a playboy and had several girlfriends at one time.

My grandparents were all in shock when Dunkan brought an Indonesian woman back home and declared that he was going to marry her. They went through a simple marriage and in everyone’s eyes, they knew that the relationship was not going to last. It was like a roller coaster ride for them. Both Douglaz and Dunkan did not have stable jobs and neither of them was earning much.

As expected, Dunkan’s marriage ended pretty soon after his older brother’s marriage. As I look back and think about it now, I begin to wonder whether my family had a generation curse caught between them. I had always thought that having a family is one of the most important things to a person. Sadly, I never knew what is was like to be basking in the ambience of a blissful home.

1995- Mummy remarried to someone by the name of  Denny. She had no other choice as she was pregnant with his baby. At first thought, she did not want to keep the baby but was swayed by Denny's words as he kept telling her that it was a life in her and she should not abort it just like that. She gave in in the end.


More about Denny- he was a beefy man with a look of terror on his face. Be-spectacled and huge in size, that was how you can imagine him to be. A normal 40 year old man to others, but a monster in my eyes. He never bothered much about me and treated me as though I was invisible. I was there at their wedding and I never spoke to him. Mummy loved him a lot, and I feared that Mummy will love him more than she loves me. I was fine with that as long as he doted on my mother. I wanted him to give him the proper love a husband should give to his wife. I hoped and prayed everyday that he was my mother’s Mr Right. But was he? I soon came to know how wrong I was.

1996- I spent my days in joy and freedom over at my nanny’s house. She was an awesome guardian and I stayed over her place enjoying all the essence of the childhood that I lacked. Her children cared for me as well and though my recollection was very limited, I knew that I was treated well there. Though happy and carefree there, I would still feel empty most of the time when I see other classmates going out with the parents. I never had the chance to hold my dad's hand and mum's hand at the same time ever before in my life. Let me use a picture to illustrate this :

Sometimes, I stare into space and wonder to myself what the true meaning of a proper childhood is? How does it feel? Did I used to have any? I silently prayed for better days and wished that when I grow up, I would have a memorable childhood to look back on.

I remembered once when I was in kindergarten, I tried to run away from home. One reason may be due to me wondering where was my daddy. I wanted to search for him. I was only 6 years old but I wanted to see both my mum and dad bringing me out on outings like how other kids could. I had not seen mummy for days and I missed her a lot. Just as the school bells rang for dismissal, I got onto my feet and ran. I kept running and running till I was too breathless to continue. I sat down and in a few minutes time, my uncle, Dunkan found me and reprimanded me for being so naughty. Up till now. I could not understand why I did that sudden stunt and why was I so impulsive. There must be a meaning behind it. After that incident, I had recurring nightmares where I found myself running and running without stopping, outside my kindergarten. It went on for quite long, and I could still remember vaguely how it felt.

I never thought that I would one day have to leave Eunos Crescent and stop living with my grandparents. I love them so much. They mean the world to me. It was so saddening when Mummy came over to my nanny’s house and said that I would no longer be staying there ever again.