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CHAPTER FOUR : OVERBOARD

It was the end of year examinations period for me during my Primary 2 year. My results were average and I was what the teachers would label ‘normal’. Not too bad and not too good. I always received a passing grade for my subjects and this was one of the times that man would get miffed by the fact that he did not have a chance to scold me. My results were given out by the form teacher and I was elated to know that I scored 2 A’s. I got full marks for both my English and Chinese language. Just then, the upsetting news came knocking on my door, the result for my Mathematics paper was saddening- 78/100. My teacher comforted me by saying that everyone did their best and my result was considered fairly well.

                                               

With a heavy heart, I dragged my feet home and again, I had the intention to run away from home. I even thought of committing suicide.

Before I could open my mouth to declare my results, the man walked up towards me and demanded to see the results slip. I was horrified at his gesture and I knew he had been waiting for this day to give me a good lashing and caning. With a rebellious stare, I passed the results slip to him and waited for the timely scolding to be showered on me.

“Full marks for English and Chinese. That’s not bad. I doubt you can score this for the rest of the papers; you are just so useless, not like our darling Julien. He is going to be a smart guy in the future, definitely smarter than you.” He retorted at me with the look of terror.

As he came upon my Mathematics paper, I sucked in my breath.

“Well, well, well, what do we have here? 78 marks! This is ridiculous! Have you been sleeping in class? Or have you been hiding in the toilet while the teacher is teaching?” he exclaimed, using his elbows to nudge my head.

“You should know what to get me now!” he continued, sneering.

I walked towards the place we hung the cane with my heads bowed down. I presumed that this would be a harsh punishment this time.

As I handed the cane over to him, he shouted over my head, “I will cane once for every mistake you made here! To make you remember it forever!”

I had twenty three questions wrong and so, I had to endure 23 slices of that piercing cane. As the cane sliced my skin for the tenth time, my mother walked into the room screaming for him to stop. He got so furious that he started to cane my mother too. Mummy made a grab for the cane and threw it at him. She carried me away and went to pack her luggage, dumping our clothes into it.

Without another word, she stormed out of the house in tears. Returning to Eunos Crescent was a joy for me. I got to enjoy my days with my grandparents and my uncles. My grandfather was the most precious gift to me from heaven and I adored him more than anyone else. He was not rich but he was very consistent in his work. His days were toiled away at his company that provides catering services. Day in and day out, he would drive a big huge lorry to deliver the buffet items to different companies for different events across the whole of Singapore. It was a tiring job but being the hardworking grandfather that I know, he strived really hard to make a living.

For the first few days, Mummy would follow me to school. All the way from Eunos Crescent to Hougang Ave 8 as my primary school was located there. It began to take toil on her after some time and she decided to teach me how to go to school by myself. Eventually, I became independent and knew how to stand on my own. I detested going to school as I would occasionally be bullied and humiliated. I was really petite and I dare not go against the bullies. I was called a “tomboy” due to my short hair and even when I take the bus, people would say: “Ah Boy ah, can you please move to the back?” I was more of a “di di” (brother) than a “mei mei”(sister)

My days were spent in merry, returning to Eunos Crescent, dumping my school bag aside and eating my lunch alone. I would finish my homework and than enjoy my favourite cartoons on ‘Cartoon Network’. I had nothing much to worry about and led a fuss-free life. Mummy eventually returned to the man’s side after a phone call whereby he tried to pacify her with sweet nothings, proclaiming that he missed her a lot and that days without her were full of gloom. He ordered my mother not to bring me along as I would be a nuisance, causing them to quarrel. He also claimed that I was the reason why their relationship would sour.

Smirking when I heard what Mummy told me, I thought that he just needed someone to do the housework for him.

I spent a year over at Eunos and loved every minute of it. Grandpa treated me really well and I went on trips to Genting with my uncles, grandparents and my uncle’s wife. Through the years, my big uncle remarried to a really nice woman by the name of Angeline. Though she was really an amazing wife, his unfaithful streak never seemed to leave him. In only a year time, he was ready for another divorce. As for my small uncle, Dunkan, his Indonesian wife had left him after they got married for only four months. She ran home, back to Indonesia when she found out that Dunkan, similar to his elder brother, was being unfaithful. She was heavily pregnant at that time, but her despair gave her the determination to leave him.

Dunkan was remorseful and he felt lonely. He wanted to win his wife’s heart back again and was really desperate. He had no money and due to that, had no ability to travel to the country his wife was residing in. In a bid to save his relationship, he got so desperate that he stole my grandparent’s bank card and took away all their savings, amounting to 20 thousand dollars. It was their hard-earned money. Grandma worked long hours as a helper at the coffee shop to earn that much money for herself. He took all the money, and without a word, left for Indonesia.

My grandparents were devastated and greatly furious. They were at the same time, worried about their son’s well-being. With each passing day, they got more and more anxious. News travelled like the wind and some of our relatives told my Grandma that Dunkan was seen in some parts of Thailand, in some rural areas.

With that small glimmer of hope, Grandpa bought the air-plane ticket for Grandma and she travelled there alone to look for him all alone. A woman in her mid-fifties, having to strike away the fear of solitary, just to see that her son was safe and sound in that remote country. I was still young at that time, and I did not know what was happening. But now that I know that was how my grandparents were treated, I felt really ashamed that they were treated so poorly. They worked so hard for their kids but none of them were grateful for it.

Eunos Crescent was like a secret haven to me. I did not have to fear for anything or anyone. There were complications all around and it was chaotic but my grandparents never allowed me to be affected by it. They wanted to let me enjoy the bliss of being a child, without any unnecessary worries. I yearned to stay there forever and never want to see that man ever again. Sadly, my hopes were left unfounded. In 1999, the man bought an apartment in Serangoon North and requested for me to move in together in his hope that we would be a happy family. The idea was revolting but do I have a choice? What exactly did he want from me? First, he wanted me out of his way. Now, he wanted me to be in his family? 

CHAPTER THREE : THE MAN OF TERROR.

I was playing with my Barbie dolls when my mother arrived at my nanny’s doorstep.

“Let’s go little one” she said to me with a bright, warm smile.

“Where are we going?” I asked, curious.

“We’re going to your new home” she replied.

At that moment, I was feeling a mixture of anxiety and happiness. I have always yearned for a home of my own. I envied my classmates who could return home happily everyday when I had to drag my feet back to my nanny’s home because my family members were not there. She was a responsible and caring nanny but I wanted to return to a home whereby I can share my day’s happenings with my parents.

I headed to the toilet before I left with my mother. As I stared at the cubicle, tears started to flow unknowingly. I was afraid, so afraid that there was a monster at the new home. Someone who would not treat me right, someone who would not treat me like a dear daughter. I was only six years old, but somehow I knew there was more to come for a petite little girl like me.

We took the bus and came upon Hougang Street 91, Block 910. Mummy pressed the lift button for the eighth storey while I was pondering about who I was going to meet. I knew that I would come face to face with my stepfather and learn how to live with him. Stepping into the five-room flat with modern dusk designs, I tried to look amazed that this was going to be my new home. The man with the look of terror was standing there with a smile welcoming me into his space. In my mother’s eyes, I was about to have a wonderful new father. In that man’s eyes, I was nothing but an intruder.

“Come on! Remember Mummy said must call people?” Mummy spoke with her broken English, nudging me in the ribs.

“Call what?” I questioned, looking at her with innocent eyes.

“Aiyo! Call Papa la! Than what? He is Mummy’s husband so you must call him Papa!” she responded, clearly irritated at my nonchalance.

“P…Pa..Pa” I managed with an odd smile.

It was weird to call another person Papa just like that. I had vague memories of my biological father, He did came to visit me when he was released from prison but he did nothing much to make me remember him as a fatherly figure in my life. I knew that I had to go along with the adults’ idea of accepting a new father as being just a Kindergarten 2 child, I had no other choice.

The man with the look of terror scrutinised me from top to toe. He commented that my hair was menacing to his eyes.

“I should give you a hair cut” he suggested with a laugh. “Come here!”

He motioned for me to follow him to the corridor outside my new home.

“Take off your shirt!” he growled.

I stared at him, shocked by his tone and did as I was told.

“You have to take off your shirt so that the hair won’t fall all over it” he explained.

Although I was still a little girl that is far from the puberty stage, I felt that it was wrong to take off my shirt in front of a man- even if he was my so called “Daddy” I was shaking as it was very cold at the corridor adding to the fact that I was topless.

He took out those ugly looking scissors and started for my fringe. My hair was straight and beautiful and its length was up till my hips. I adored my hair as I thought it made me look really feminine. With a violent snip, that man chopped off my beautiful long hair. My fringe became scattered and the feminine side of me vanished in an instant. Immediately, as I saw my straight locks falling to the floor, I started to bawl my eyes out.

“WHAT ARE YOU CRYING FOR?” he boomed at me with a tone of immense terror.

Mummy came to my rescue and tried to cheer me up by telling me that I looked really neat and tidy. She even said that I could save the hassle of tying my hair when I head to school next year. It was just ridiculous to me on my part.

                                         

A few days later, I overheard that man speaking to my mum saying that he had always wanted a son of his own. Thus, that was the reason he snipped my hair away- so that I could be his little boy.

In my new home, I felt that I was suffocated severely. Every little action was scrutinised by that man. When I wanted to climb onto a chair to watch my favourite tv programme, he screamed at me not to climb, to be a little more lady-like. I did not understand the meaning of contradictions at that time but now I do. He wanted me to be his little “boy” and yet he wanted me to be more “lady-like”? If I could turn back the time now, I would have retorted back to him: “What is it that you want!” He seemed to enjoy finding faults with me.

I became so afraid of him that one day in school when I broke my water bottle strap by accident, I was shivering in the knees, out of fear. You know those kiddy water bottles that come with a strap so that you could hang it on your body for convenience? I had one of those and I adored them. My classmate was an obnoxious bully and he cut away my strap one day, while I was away for recess. I panicked when I knew that the strap was broken and I was very worried about what my punishment would be. I got so scared that I urinated in my pants. That man would surely threaten to hit me or do something bad to me. That was my stepfather, an ongoing nightmare.

On the school bus, I had a face of worry. My tears were on the brink of falling and I was worried sick. I even planned to run away from home. I was the last one on the bus and the guardian on board noticed that something was wrong.

“Dear, are you alright?” she asked, concerned.

I managed a weak smile and showed her my water bottle. I told her that my parents would reprimand me for making it spoilt. She comforted me by saying that my parents would not be so unreasonable, they would understand that I did not damage it on purpose. Using a rubber band, she tried to tie the strap together and sent me home.

Stepping into my house, I acknowledged my mother and got ready for dinner. Munching unhappily on the vegetables, Mummy approached me and questioned me regarding the water bottle. I tried to explain what happened but before I could finish, the man tried to interfere.

“You think you’re very clever? You spoilt your water bottle and tried to mend it with a rubber band, thinking that we would not notice? Who taught you to lie to us this way?” he smirked.

“B..But..I... i…was…” I stammered as he motioned for me to enter his bedroom.

He took out the cane and started lashing at me without a word. Tears came pouring down my face as my mother stood there watching this heartbreaking scene. I thought that the look of my face could tell her that I needed her to come to my rescue. I needed her to rescue me from this monster.

After the brutal caning, I returned to my room to cry in misery. I was so scared that once again; I urinated by the side of my bed. Helpless, I cleaned up the pool of urine by myself. My room, it was an empty space with no furniture at all. It was just a store room for my step-brother’s toys. He was not even in this world and yet he already had a whole room of toys all to himself. All that could be found in the room was a piece of very thin mattress, only about 10cm. Sleeping on it was very tedious as my bones were knocking the floor every now and than. Sleeping to me was not a pleasurable activity and I hated it so much just thinking about the aches it gives me every night.

24^th August 1995 was the day my step brother, Julien, was born into this world. He was everything to that man. He was his precious little boy, the apple of his eyes. Whenever Julien starts to cry or kick up a fuss, the blame will be put on me. I would always be the one who did not take good care of him, was not a good sister or I would be the one who did not want to share my things with him. I used to hate him to the core at that moment in time but we were still very young than and hatred was the only emotion I could feel at that moment. I could only hate, I felt no love for anyone, just drowned in animosity senselessly daily.

CHAPTER TWO : Stepping into the world.

My mother worked very hard to give me proper care. She put me under the care of a babysitter who charges $500 per month. This fees excluded the clothes and many other stuffs that she bought me. She would keep the receipts and claim them from my mum aftermath. Day in and out, I would be over at my babysitter’s house when everyone was working. Grandpa worked really hard, he never took medical leaves or any other leaves even when he was unwell. My grandmother on the other hand, had a dark secret that she kept from my mother. She started borrowing from loansharks in her mid-forties. She took up illegal betting and became a bookie for lottery. Due to some mistakes, she had to resort to borrowing from loansharks to pay the people who won money from her. When she was unable to pay one loanshark, she would borrow from another. Eventually, her debt would snowball to one lump sum that was unimaginable.

My grandmother was by nature a really pleasant person. She came from a rich family but was looked down & forsaken by them for choosing to marry my grandfather, a poor bloke. She was upset when she could not find ways to settle her debts and was feeling depressed. She threatened to commit suicide if there was no way for her to pay all her debts. My mother was heartbroken and helpless. She had to think of a way to help Grandma and as it was not a meagre sum, she resorted to borrowing from a very rich old man who frequented the pub that she worked in. She borrowed 11 thousand dollars from him and paid the loansharks with that money. She advised my grandmother never to repeat the same mistakes again.

My family members were all very problematic. My mother’s older brother, Douglaz, got married at the age of 21. He made a girl pregnant and at the tender ago of 22, he was already a father. He was not ready to be committed to marriage and behind his wife’s back, he had flings with other woman. Consequently, their marriage ended up in divorce. My cousin, Debbie, became the second in my family to experience a broken family. It was the same for my mother’s younger brother. Dunkan, he was a playboy and had several girlfriends at one time.

My grandparents were all in shock when Dunkan brought an Indonesian woman back home and declared that he was going to marry her. They went through a simple marriage and in everyone’s eyes, they knew that the relationship was not going to last. It was like a roller coaster ride for them. Both Douglaz and Dunkan did not have stable jobs and neither of them was earning much.

As expected, Dunkan’s marriage ended pretty soon after his older brother’s marriage. As I look back and think about it now, I begin to wonder whether my family had a generation curse caught between them. I had always thought that having a family is one of the most important things to a person. Sadly, I never knew what is was like to be basking in the ambience of a blissful home.

1995- Mummy remarried to someone by the name of  Denny. She had no other choice as she was pregnant with his baby. At first thought, she did not want to keep the baby but was swayed by Denny's words as he kept telling her that it was a life in her and she should not abort it just like that. She gave in in the end.


More about Denny- he was a beefy man with a look of terror on his face. Be-spectacled and huge in size, that was how you can imagine him to be. A normal 40 year old man to others, but a monster in my eyes. He never bothered much about me and treated me as though I was invisible. I was there at their wedding and I never spoke to him. Mummy loved him a lot, and I feared that Mummy will love him more than she loves me. I was fine with that as long as he doted on my mother. I wanted him to give him the proper love a husband should give to his wife. I hoped and prayed everyday that he was my mother’s Mr Right. But was he? I soon came to know how wrong I was.

1996- I spent my days in joy and freedom over at my nanny’s house. She was an awesome guardian and I stayed over her place enjoying all the essence of the childhood that I lacked. Her children cared for me as well and though my recollection was very limited, I knew that I was treated well there. Though happy and carefree there, I would still feel empty most of the time when I see other classmates going out with the parents. I never had the chance to hold my dad's hand and mum's hand at the same time ever before in my life. Let me use a picture to illustrate this :

Sometimes, I stare into space and wonder to myself what the true meaning of a proper childhood is? How does it feel? Did I used to have any? I silently prayed for better days and wished that when I grow up, I would have a memorable childhood to look back on.

I remembered once when I was in kindergarten, I tried to run away from home. One reason may be due to me wondering where was my daddy. I wanted to search for him. I was only 6 years old but I wanted to see both my mum and dad bringing me out on outings like how other kids could. I had not seen mummy for days and I missed her a lot. Just as the school bells rang for dismissal, I got onto my feet and ran. I kept running and running till I was too breathless to continue. I sat down and in a few minutes time, my uncle, Dunkan found me and reprimanded me for being so naughty. Up till now. I could not understand why I did that sudden stunt and why was I so impulsive. There must be a meaning behind it. After that incident, I had recurring nightmares where I found myself running and running without stopping, outside my kindergarten. It went on for quite long, and I could still remember vaguely how it felt.

I never thought that I would one day have to leave Eunos Crescent and stop living with my grandparents. I love them so much. They mean the world to me. It was so saddening when Mummy came over to my nanny’s house and said that I would no longer be staying there ever again.

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Dear Readers! Thank you for your support. Your tweets asking for more to be released & your constant RT and sharing made me feel happy sharing my story. As I reveal more, the story will get thicker and the topic will get more sensitive. I hope that you people will just feel free to comment and I will do my best to modify the blog better for your reading pleasure. :) Follow me on twitter for real time updates : @estrangedbeings Or add me on Facebook. FB name : Estranged Beings Show your support and love. I truly appreciate them all! You all are the reason I am brave enough to write this story to reveal the hurtful past. Thank you!

CHAPTER ONE : The Parents.

Drug addict Joseph Goh is at it again. Since his teenage years, he had been going in and out of prison regularly. It was like a monthly ritual for him. His girlfriend, Katherine got to know him through her brother in Saint Patrick’s Secondary school. Joseph was her brother’s nemesis and she was not allowed to hang out with him. However, being a rebellious teenager did her more harm than she could imagine.

1979-Saint Patrick’s Secondary school was organising a charity drive for the students with financial difficulties. Katherine sneaked out of her house to meet up with her secret lover, Joseph.  Her brother, Douglaz was kept in the dark. They had a fabulous time at the carnival and became inseparable from than on. They were what people would call the “Ah Lians” and “Ah Bengs” from those times. Katherine was fiddling with drugs, cigarettes and booze since she was 11 years old. Joseph on the other hand, was hooked up on drugs. He could live without food but never without drugs. Heroin, cocaine, marijuana… You name it, he had tried them all. After she got acquainted with Joseph, she lost all interest in her studies and told her father that she wanted to quit schooling and get a job. During those times, the “females” were considered useless as they were going to be married off some day leaving their families to live with their husband. Thus, spending so much money on their education was deemed futile.

Having a drug addict boyfriend was a nightmare for Katherine. She had to wait for his release whenever he was arrested and held in prison. Her family members advised her time and again to end her relationship with Joseph but she was ignorant of their pleas. Joseph’s second release from prison became a wake-up call for Katherine. She begged Joseph to quit taking drugs and planned a future with him. He agreed without hesitation and even told Katherine that he wanted to have a baby with her.

1989- At age 20, Katherine was pregnant with a lovely little girl. She held in her mind wonderful dreams of having a happy and warm family with Joseph. Thinking that Joseph had turned over a new leaf, Katherine did not feel insecure even though Joseph had not proposed to her since she was pregnant with his child. She knew that Joseph was poor and could not afford to give her a proper wedding.

On a misty Sunday, Joseph was intending to head out to buy lunch for Katherine and her family. He took the keys and left the small apartment located at Eunos Crescent, Block 11. Katherine was getting the laundry done when she discovered an unexpected shock. This sudden incident changed her mindset about having a warm and blissful family with Joseph- in just a split second. As she was emptying his jean's pockets, out fell a small packet of powder. It was white in colour, but Katherine prayed silently that it was just some talcum powder. She was startled and hoped that it was not what she thought it was. She opened the packet and smelled the powder. Yes, it was heroin.

Rejecting a sob and the immense urge to scream, she wanted to rush downstairs to demand an explanation from Joseph. Before the confrontation could happen, she opened the wooden door of her house, and was surprised by the 3 person standing right in front of her. There in the middle was her boyfriend of 8 years, hands behind his back, together with two plain-clothed policemen. His face was stricken with guilt and he dared not look into Katherine’s eyes. They confiscated his identification card and he was once again put behind bars for possession of drugs. It was the last straw for Katherine. She finally gave up hopes of Joseph being her Mr Right.

This time, Katherine was devastated. She stared at her parents as they looked at her with eyes that tried to expel sympathy for her and fell to the floor with a devastating wail, crying her lungs out as she confessed that she would never ever forgive him anymore. It was a terrible ordeal for her and she had to stop wishing for a fairy tale ending.

Months passed, Katherine received several letters from Joseph begging for her forgiveness and asking her how was their baby. He drew pictures of how their lovely baby girl would look like with his artistic talents, trying to prove that he was never going to repeat those mistakes ever again. He drew pictures of a happy family, hand in hand- enjoying a beach outing together. Katherine was touched beyond words but she knew better than to be sucked into the cycle of a meaningless life once again. She wanted to work hard for her baby and she did not want her baby girl to know that she has a father who is a compulsive drug addict. She wrote back to Joseph only once to inform him that she no longer wanted anything more to do with him. She still loved him as much as she used to from the day they were together but she had to end this relationship with him for better days ahead. She could no longer afford to wait for him as he goes in and out of prison.

After his release after six months, Joseph went to look for Katherine and tried ways to appease her. Katherine was reluctant to give him any more chances and soon, they had a heated argument. Joseph proclaimed that he would fight for the custody of his daughter but Katherine was not bothered.

She told him very directly “You are not fit to be my daughter’s father. She deserves better. And so do I!”

With that, they parted unhappily and both of them were filled with the animosity and brokenness.

12^th October 1990- A cute little baby girl was given birth out of wedlock. Her skin was fair; she had her father’s eyes and her mother’s smile. Katherine named this little girl, Joleene. Joleene- a simple name yet behind this name, the story that goes with her is enthralling and unexpected. I am Joleene and this is the story of my life.